ACT V
SCENE 1
GRAVEDIGGER 1:
WHAT! Why am I digging a grave for some coward who willfully seeks her own death?
GRAVEDIGGER 2:
(SHRUGS)
GRAVEDIGGER 1:
Ya know what I’m sayin’? There’s no way she coincidentally fell into the water. If she goes into the water, and drowns herself, then shes the one doing it. But if the water came to her, and drowns her, then it wasn’t her fault.
GRAVEDIGGER 2:
(SHRUGS)
GRAVEDIGGER 1:
The bottom line is, if she hadn’t been rich, she would never have gotten a Christian burial.
(ENTER HAMLET)
GRAVEDIGGER 1:
(RAPPING)
HAMLET:
Who does this guy think he is? Lil’ Jon???? (WALK CLOSER TO GRAVEDIGGER)
HAMLET:
‘ey you! Who ya diggin’ fo’?
GRAVEDIGGER 1:
Myself
HAMLET:
Cut the crap!
GRAVEDIGGER 1:
Take it easy(CONTINUES RAPPING) (TOSSES SKULL)
HAMLET:
You really gonna disrespect him like that? That was once a boy inside that beautiful skull!
GRAVEDIGGER 1:
(KICKS SKULL TO HAMLET)
It was Mr. Seinfeld
HAMLET:
ALAS!!! Jerry!! I knew him, a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. He hath borne me on his back a thousand times, and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is!I kissed him countless times— those luscious lips! Where be your gibes now? Your gambols? Your songs? Your flashes of wit that were would set the table on a roar? Not one now to mock your own grinning? Are you sad now?
Did Alexander the great look like this when he was buried?
GRAVEDIGGER 1:
Probably. I dont know.
HAMLET:
No, faith, not a jot. But to follow him thither with modesty enough, and likelihood to lead it, as thus: Alexander died, Alexander was buried, Alexander returneth to dust, the dust is earth, of earth we make loam—and why of that loam, whereto he was converted, might they not stop a beer barrel? Imperious Caesar, dead and turned to clay, Might stop a hole to keep the wind away. Oh, that that earth, which kept the world in awe,Should patch a wall to' expel the winter’s flaw!
But seriously, who’s grave is this?
ENTER CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, LAERTES and PRIEST
HAMLET and HORATIO step behind a bush and watch
HAMLET:
(whispers to HORATIO)
What’s going on here?
LAERTES:
Can you not do any better than this?
PRIEST:
This whole thing is a little fishy to me. I’m pissed that I have to do this right now. Let’s be honest, she killed herself. If it were up to me, I’d be throwing rocks at her body.
LAERTES:
Lay her on the ground! Let violets bloom from her beautiful pure flesh! Im telling you priest...you’re a jerk! My sister will be an angel in heaven while youre burning in hell!
GERTRUDE:
Oh, my sweet Ophelia! So long! (Scattering flowers) I was hoping you’d mary my dear Hamlet. I wanted to scatter flowers on your wedding bed, not your grave!
LAERTES:
(to GERTRUDE) Screw Hamlet!
(to Ophelia) Damn that evil man!! Fall ten times treble on that cursèd head,whose wicked deed thy most ingenious sensed deprived thee of! Hold off the earth awhile till I have caught her once more in mine arms!!
HAMLET comes forward
HAMLET:
Who cares so much that planets are still? Whose grief is so loud and clear?
LAERTES:
Go to Hell!!
(HAMLET and LAERTES wrestle)
GERTRUDE:
(Screaming) Hamlet!! Hamlet! Hamlet! Stop it boys! Hamlet!
CLAUDIUS:
Break it up! Break it up!
HAMLET:
I loved Ophelia. Forty thousand brothers could not with all their quantity of love make up my sum. What wilt thou do for her? I would eat a crocodile!
GERTRUDE:
(to LAERTES) This is madness. Hamlet is insane!!
(to HAMLET)Go cool off with Horatio.
CLAUDIUS:
(whispers to LAERTES)Don’t worry, he’ll be taken care of soon. (laughs)
SCENE 2
(HAMLET and HORATIO sitting together)
HAMLET:
So, heres the story. I had a feeling that something was up on this trip to england. I checked it out and found a letter from Claudius that gave orders to cut off my head Horatio!! Can you believe that?
Of course you can’t.
So here’s what I did; I wrote a new letter, ordering the execution of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Lets just say they’re not gonna be a problem for us anymore.
(HORATIO looks at HAMLET)
YES! I KILLED THEM! Claudius had it comin’ to him. He hath killed my king and whored my mommy!
I know he’ll find out soon! (annoyed)
ORSRIC:
You got a moment?
(Rambles)
Alright, a duel has been arranged for you and Laretes. The king has bet that you will win.
HAMLET:
No, take it easy Horatio. Im going to win. You’re being dramatic.
There’s a special providence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be now, ’tis not to come. If it be not to come, it will be now. If it be not now, yet it will come—the readiness is all. Since no man of aught he leaves knows, what is ’t to leave betimes? Let be.
(screaming) LET’S GO BABY!!
Enter GERTRUDE, CLAUDIUS, HAMLET, LAERTES, HORATIO
CLAUDIUS:
Alright guys, come shake hands.
HAMLET:
Sorry I’ve been a jerk. I’m just kind of crazy these days bro. i just want you to know you mean alot to me. (tears up)
LAERTES:
I’m satisfied I guess. But I’m still pissed. Until I talk to the elder masters I wont accept an apology. But you love me and I love that you love me.
CLAUDIUS:
Lets get this show on the road!
(to HAMLET) If you get the first couple hits come to me for a celebratory beverage.
HAMLET:
Lets do this (sword tricks)
LAERTES:
Claudius, fetch me my sword.
*FIGHT BEGINS*
(HAMLET DOMINATING)
CLAUDIUS:
ATTA BOY HAMMY! Come I have a drink for you! (Drops pearl in wine)
HAMLET:
Not yet!
*FIGHT CONTINUES*
(HAMLET GETS SECOND HIT)
CLAUDIUS:
Hamlet's got this in the bag
GERTRUDE:
He’s fat, and scant of breath.— Here, Hamlet, take my napkin, rub thy brows. The queen carouses to thy fortune, Hamlet.
(picks up the cup with the pearl)
CLAUDIUS:
NOOOOO! Do not drink!
GERTRUDE:
I will my lord. (drinks) (CLAUDIUS puts his face in his hands)
*Laertes and Hamlet continue to fence, transitions into scuffle*
CLAUDIUS:
This is getting out of hand. Break it up! Break it up! (CLAUDIUS steps in and breaks it up) (HAMLET has stabbed Laertes)
*Gertrude Collapses*
GERTRUDE:
No, no, the drink, the drink!—O my dear Hamlet!
The drink, the drink! I am poisoned. (dies)
HAMLET:
NOOOOOO!!!! Who has done this terrible deed?!?!
LAERTES:
It was me Hamlet, I dipped my sword in poison, you have no more than half an hour. Gertrude has been poisoned, and the king is to blame! The king is to blame!
* Hamlet attacks Claudius and forces him to drink the poisoned wine*
CLAUDIUS:
HELP! PROTECT ME MY FRIENDS. I’VE ONLY BEEN HURT, NOT KILLED!!!
HAMLET:
Drink up you incestouous,murederous, Danish scumbag! (forces Claudius to drink)
CLAUDIUS:Nooooo!!!! (dies)
LAERTES:
He is justly served, it was his idea all along. I forgive you Hamlet, and I hope you can forgive me. Let’s just say you didn’t kill me and my dad, and your death isn’t really my fault; OK? (Dies)
HAMLET:
Heaven make thee free of it. I follow thee.--
I am dead, Horatio.—Goodbye Gertrude, you miserable soul!--
You that look pale and tremble at this chance,
That are but mutes or audience to this act,
Had I but time (as this fell sergeant, Death,
Is strict in his arrest), O, I could tell you--
But let it be.—Horatio, I am dead.
You are alive and well. Tell the story of Hamlet to all!
Hamlet: That’s nonsense Horatio! Give me the cup! Stay alive- for me.Stay alive in the cold, harsh world and tell the people what happened.
O, I die, Horatio.
The potent poison quite is overpowering my spirit.
I cannot live to hear the news from England.
But I do prophesy the election lights
On Fortinbras. He has my dying voice.
So tell him, with th' occurrents, more and less,
Which have solicited. The rest is silence.
O, O, O, O. (dies)
*Fortinbras Enters*
Fortinbras:
Whoaaahhhhh…...what have just stumbled upon. This is quite the tragedy. Well anyways even though everyone who was supposed to hear this is dead...Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead.
What’s that Horatio? You can explain everything that happened here? And Hamlet has named me the new king? Good boy. (Pets Horatio, Walks off into the distance)
*END OF PLAY*
Explanation of script
In the final moments of the play, Gertrude drinks the wine that Claudius had prepared for Hamlet. In our interpretation, Gertrude blatantly disregards Claudius when he tells her not to sip the poison wine, responding "I will my lord." Gertrude does not care about what Claudius says and drinks the poison anyways. Gertrude drinks this wine because she knows that if she does not, then Hamlet would be the one murdered. When Gertrude collapses, the first thing she says is "Oh, the poison", indicating that she had caught on to Claudius's plan and sacrificed her own life to protect Hamlet. When writing the script we also wanted to put some of the characters in a modern context. For example, we replaced the skull of Yorick, who was a jester that Hamlet knew as a child, with comedian Jerry Seinfeld. Hamlet talks about how Yorick used to "set the table on a roar", just as Jerry Seinfeld has had people laughing for the last several decades. We felt putting a modern twist on little parts of the act allow for viewers to relate to the characters easier than they would otherwise. As mentioned earlier, we also decided that Horatio would be perfectly portrayed if he were played by a dog. Horatio throughout the entire story is friendly, intelligent and loyal to Hamlet. Dog's have always been man’s best friend that will never leave it's owner’s side, as Horatio is to Hamlet. We made the observation, Horatio literally almost never left Hamlet's side in the story. Very rarely does Horatio ever have any interaction with characters other than Hamlet, until Hamlet is dead. Finally, the fallen crown laying on the ground after the duel represents the fall of the Royal family. Hamlet's family was corrupt, and there is no longer anything left of them. The crown on the ground represents the end of an era, that was filed with lies and corruption, After a dramatic, bloody duel, the corrupt family was brought to an end and Fortinbras has come in to save Denmark. Fortinbras does not pick up the crown because he wants to leave the corruption, lies, and incest behind, and start a new Denmark.